“You’re so strong.” “You’re so resilient.”
I’ve been told this more times than I could ever count. This has always been said with the intention that it is a compliment, however it often left me wondering, if people saw what I felt on the inside would they still see me as just as strong? And what does being strong mean anyway?
This idea of strength is portrayed in different ways in our culture and world. Some think of it as physical strength, some see strength as overcoming adversity, some see it as confidence, some see it as standing up for what you believe in… what do you think of when you think of the word strength?
When I thought of strength and what it meant to be strong growing up I thought of it as being ‘tough.’ My so called ‘strength’ was measured by my ability to endure extreme pain and come out unaffected and unbothered by it. Although, this pushed me to never let my burn injury define or limit me, it also prevented me from acknowledging the pain my burn injury caused me and prevented me from healing mentally and emotionally. This is because I lived in denial to the emotional wounds my burn injury had left me with. At this time I couldn’t give myself the permission to access them as then I would be perceived as - weak. I felt I had no choice but to be ‘strong’ and to me that meant shutting out my emotions because I felt I couldn’t show my true emotion because then I would be labeled as ‘weak’ or like I ‘couldn’t cope’ and that I wasn’t ‘strong.’ In time I saw this perception and label of strength become an excuse to shut people out and prevent them from getting too close and displaying any vulnerabilities that could be perceived as weak.
We live in a world full of pain. Going through a burn injury at a very young age, I have realized throughout my life there have been times when I was very good at not feeling pain. I could go through surgery with little to no pain medication and feel very little. I could go to school or work the next day and put on an image that it didn’t affect me at all. I could feel emotional pain and I wouldn’t cry, I wouldn’t even ‘care,’ in fact, I would be completely indifferent about the experience. People would say hurtful things regarding my scars and I would appear completely unaffected by it or by the pain my burn injury, trauma and life has caused me. This inability and avoidance of feeling pain appeared as a strength, especially in the world we live in today and the stigma regarding mental health that exist. But in time this pain began to catch up with me, it was as though I had forgotten and lost the ability to allow myself to feel emotions and what they were telling me. I learned how to have emotional regulation through my passion and work with horses, but I didn’t know how to allow myself to feel strong emotions and listen to what they were telling me and trust them and myself. I learned that - just because I didn’t respond or have a reaction to it doesn’t and didn’t mean it didn’t hurt or that I didn’t feel it! Rather I was just suppressing my feelings in that moment only to have them reappear at a later date. I realize now I wasn’t giving myself permission to feel it in those moments. Why? Feeling was dangerous, unsafe. It was easier not to and be ‘numb’ to it all. For my safety, wellbeing and survival I learned how not to feel. However, this ‘numbing’ of my emotions also meant I couldn’t feel the emotions of love, trust, joy and happiness.
‘Toughen up,’ I was told and I would tell myself. My emotions were not only invalidated by others, but also by myself. I would shove pain deeper and deeper inside and keep moving forward. As that is what I thought it meant to be strong - to appear that my pain didn’t affect me and not let others see that it did. I was completely ‘emotionally cut off’ and ‘emotionally unavailable’ to the world. Yet this pain kept affecting me and in time it got harder and harder to hide and suppress and began to come out sideways to others around me.
“I couldn’t heal because I was pretending I wasn’t hurt.”
Though I learned how to put myself first, and do acts love myself; stretches, meditation, writing, pursue my passion. In time, I would learn how to recognize my needs and set boundaries (and communicate and set boundaries with them as they are vital to my health and wellbeing). Little did I know that this was just the start to my healing journey. Years of suppressing my emotions and experiences pain began to manifest in my body and later come out through physical symptoms and illness, anxiety, depression and eventually c-PTSD. Years of suppressing my emotions and not having a ‘safe space’ to express them in healthy ways continued to affect my life and health. But this time (and now) — I knew what I needed to heal (even when I second guessed myself). This time I had given myself permission to not only feel, but also heal.
The world gives us this idea, this image that being strong means having it all together, never falling apart, not being vulnerable, not having any fears. That being strong means we are ‘tough’ and we are unaffected by things in our life. But suppressing our pain, emotions and true selves is not strength. In fact, one of the strongest (and hardest things to do) things you can do is give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel and to listen to what emotions are telling you. To feel weak, to be vulnerable, to feel the pain, to feel the fear, the anxiety, the depression, the uncomfortable emotions because if you don’t allow yourself to feel it, it is going to continue to live within you and your body. Nearly all of our life decisions root from emotions, from what career path to take (what we like, do we want stability etc.), to the people we surround ourselves with, romantic relationships, what we do with our time… the list goes on. To be in tune with our emotions in a healthy way we have to give ourselves permission to feel what we need to feel and to listen to what those emotions are telling us.
Give yourself permission to feel the hurt.
Give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel.
Give yourself permission to be vulnerable.
Give yourself permission to fall apart.
Give yourself permission to cry, to yell, to scream.
Give yourself permission to rest.
Give yourself permission to protect yourself.
Give yourself permission to say ‘this really sucks,’ ‘this is so rough I don’t know how I am going to make it through.’’
Give yourself permission to feel moments of doubt, hatred, fear, insecurities or anxiety.
Give yourself permission to sit with all the uncomfortable feelings, rather than avoid them and suppress it further, be curious about them, as those emotions are trying to release something from your body and soul.
If you don’t give yourself permission, the pain and messages behind those emotions will always be within you, trying to keep you captive in a cage. By giving ourself this permission we can access our inner self, learn our values and beliefs, learn where we need to set boundaries and ultimately move through the pain and be released from it. When you give yourself permission you give yourself permission to release and free yourself from the emotions and make better decisions to live life as your most authentic self. You send a wave of acceptance to yourself and others and create space for others to do the same. You give kindness and grace, and most importantly you give yourself and others permission to heal and to come to peace.
Give yourself permission to feel, to fall apart, to listen to what your emotions are telling you. Then when you are ready give yourself permission to pick yourself back up, ready to take on the world and with more love, joy, purpose, and freedom. When you give yourself this permission you are showing strength by allowing yourself to heal the wounds inside of you, rather than letting yourself fall victim and remain hostage to them.
Give yourself permission to heal. You’ll thank yourself later.
With love,
Michelle