The Way You Communicate Does Matter - Secondary Microaggressions

This Blog is Part 2 response to the Microaggressions blog - (Blog link HERE) .

Since the release of a blog I wrote about microaggressions, ‘I Don’t See Your Scars’, I have had a few small handful of people reach out directly or indirectly bashing the concept together claiming that the entire concept is ‘victim mentality.’ As someone whose life motto is ‘survivor not victim,’ people misusing and attacking others with the word ‘victim; has caused me to really have to reflect and look at my life and myself. In fact, I have spent the last five years spending any free time I have between work, riding my horses and teaching lessons, studying and completing my masters degrees and taking care of myself researching said topic of what it means to heal from trauma and be a survivor, thriver rather than a victim to it for the book I am writing!

Yet, even before these comments, I knew this could be a potential comment from some people because I had thoroughly researched this topic and had seen some of the public's perspective before writing and publishing the blog. Still, I chose to publish it because I believe, have witnessed the harm it does to minority groups and have read research that indicates otherwise. This blog is to address the people who have responded negatively to the first blog and the concept of microaggressions.

It is not uncommon for people to have push-back to the idea of microaggressions, by telling someone ‘not be so sensitive,’ just ‘toughen up’ or someone that states something is a microaggression obtains ‘victim mentality.’ According to research, this is what is known as secondary microaggressions. 

““Secondary microaggressions, microaggressions that occur in response to a person speaking up or challenging microaggressive behavior, are harmful and can take many forms,” said Veronica Johnson, a researcher at the City University of New York and lead author on the paper.” (Current understandings of microaggressions: Impacts on individuals and Society, 2021).

Here is why:

The answer that those must simply ‘toughen up’ and not let one's comments influence them at all shows someone's lack of knowledge in trauma, diverse subgroups and what actions of someone with victim mentality actually does. It not only invalidates one's struggles by either victim blaming, abandoning, splaining and gaslighting someone who expresses someone’s words, it is actually psychologically harmful and abusive. One can - and myself and survivors I know - can acknowledge something is not okay and that doesn’t mean they let it dictate and control their life or fall ‘victim’ to it as you say. It doesn’t excuse the other person’s actions and misuse of words. After all, I am only responsible for how I respond and my actions, not the other person. 

Abusive, you may think that is a bit extreme but let me define it for you. 

Physiological abuse: “use of a range of words and non-physical actions used with the purpose to manipulate, hurt, weaken or frighten a person mentally and emotionally; and/or distort, confuse or influence a person’s thoughts and actions within their everyday lives, changing their sense of self and harming their wellbeing” (Physiological Abuse). Using microaggressions and denying them does just that.

The very denial that one's actions and words affect us denies the very fact that all of us are connected in this society. 

Some examples of this include: 

  • Victim Blaming

    • “Refers to assigning fault to people who experience violence or wrongdoing and is used as a tool to discredit people of marginalized groups who speak out against microaggressions or injustices” (Johnson, 2021, p.1024). 

    • “Victim blaming has historically been used as a common tactic to discredit oppressed groups and justify violence, oppression, and disparities” (Johnson, 2021,p.1029)

      • Blaming a person and assigning fault to people that experienced wrong doing is not ‘victim mentality’ it is failure to acknowledge wrongdoing and placing blame on the appropriate person - the perpetrator. 

  • Gaslighting

    • “The act of manipulating others to doubt themselves or question their own sanity; people confronted for committing microaggressions deny the existence of their bias, often convincing the targets of microaggressions to question their own perception” (Johnson, 2021, p.1025).

      • Convincing someone to doubt themselves and how someone's bias affected them is failing to acknowledge the systematic flaws and their own experiences.

  • Splaining 

    • “Is related to epistemic injustice because perpetrators are unaware of the ways in which they enact their power and privilege over persons with marginalized identities” (Johnson, 2021, p.1051).

      • Someone who has experienced something throughout their life knows more about something than someone who hasn’t experienced it or is uneducated about the topic.

  • Invalidation

    • “Dismissing or rejecting someone’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.” (Carrico, 2021). This “denial from perpetrators is thought to come in various forms, ranging from simple denial to intentionality” (Johnson, 2021, p.1026)

    • “When people who commit microaggressions respond in ways that further invalidate or deny the target’s experience of the microaggression, they exacerbate the given situation and inflict even more harm on the target” (Johnson, 2021, p.1027). Toxic positivity is one example of invalidation. When a person tells you ‘you got this’ ‘don’t be sad, just be happy’ ‘at least you’re alive’.” In this day and age we are overly optimistic that it is invalidating what we are truly feeling and ignoring the problem that people have feelings.

      • As someone that has been on the receiving end of invalidation, it caused me to doubt myself, my trauma, my pain, my truth and ultimately led to me going several years with untreated PTSD. It can also cause one to distrust themselves, their emotions and develop low self-esteem and at its absolute worst mental illness or a personality disorder! 

  • Abandonment and Neglect

    • “As the bystander failure to act on behalf of a target of microaggressions despite having noticed the transgression. Microaggressive neglect refers to the failure to act on behalf of a target because of a failure to recognize that a microaggression took place” (Johnson, 2021, p.1032).

      • “Microaggressive abandonment and neglect can occur when the target of a microaggression is left unsupported and/or invalidated by peers or bystanders.” (Current understandings of microaggressions: Impacts on individuals and Society, 2021). Someone feeling unsupported and invalidated can cause one to feel more alone in where trauma and differences already cause isolation and separation from others.

  • Scapegoating 

    • “Denial through projecting responsibility and blame on others” In addition, “Scapegoats are frequently less powerful and more marginalized.”(Brahm, 2004).

      • I am not to blame for other people’s words, I am only responsible for my own words and actions.  

  • Calling someone a ‘Snowflake’ 

    • “Is a political insult for someone who is perceived as too sensitive” (Hoffman, 2021).

      • This terminology actually roots from the opposed to those abolition of slavery! The people that use this term most often disagree with the concept of social justice and equality. It is an attempt to be abusive as it disregards empathy, gaslights and shames. This term tells me everything I need to know about a person, it tells me that they’re uncivilized, undereducated bullies and that they have run out of any real arguments and have resorted to petty insults.

Acknowledging microaggressions is NOT the same as victim mentality and here is why. 

“Victim mentality is when somebody can’t accept responsibility or admit their part in contributing to the bad things that happen to them. Instead, they constantly blame others for their problems in life” (Biron, 2019). 

Some examples of victim mentality are: 

  • No accountability 

  • Making excuses 

  • Secondary gain

  • Satisfies unconscious needs

  • Avoid taking risks 

  • Blaming others for your life

  • Think life is against you

  • Feel powerless

  • Feeling bad for yourself 

  • Any efforts will fail, so there is no point in trying

As someone who’s life motto is ‘survivor not victim’ I am fed up with people misusing the word - victim. Victim in itself is not a bad word. The word “victim” is simply a noun, a person or thing who has been victimized to subjugation, mistreatment, or even life threatening events. And you know what there are times I have been a victim in my life - I wouldn’t have been burned if I wasn’t! And microaggressions and these responses to microaggressions are a - mistreatment. Yet I have chosen to become and be a survivor. 

Victim mentality is how we define someone who might have lost the ability to socially, occupationally, and psychologically function. To a point where they have become dysfunctional and in need of professional guidance to then build the psychological skills to reduce the distress they are experiencing in their everyday lives. Victim mentality is a verb where someone in traumatic space cannot move forward to survivorship. 

I am not ‘dysfunctional’ nor do I fall under the label of ‘victim’ by sharing an observation backed by research on social injustice topics! Simply acknowledging that others' words can be hurtful and that they should be held accountable does not mean that I am blaming others, or that I feel powerless against them. In fact I am not powerless at all. Words (nor my trauma) have never stopped me from obtaining two masters degrees, climbing mountains, showing, riding and training horses, training and showing my dog, teaching therapeutic riding lessons and giving back and leading others in my community! Regardless - I do not approve of being called a ‘monster’ ‘bearded dragon’ or told ‘I look so normal for someone with scars’ or being asked inappropriate questions. My peers that are not in minority groups do not face this on a regular bases. Acknowledging that words matter and how you use them matter does not mean I am falling victim to them, however in order to be on the receiving end of a microaggression you have experienced some sort of ‘victimhood,’ whether it is discrimination, trauma, bullying, or emotional abuse. Using microaggressions against one's trauma and experiences can cause them to struggle to move into survivorship and ultimately thrivership. I will not stand for invalidation, gaslighting, scapegoating, emotional neglect or abandonment and victim blaming. And you shouldn’t either because it disempowers someone by causing them to question themselves and their sanity rather than empowering and supporting them to rise above other people's carelessness and actions. We can prevent others who are more vulnerable than us from falling victim by controlling our speech and narrative. This can make all the difference in the world. 

“The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members.” 

- Mahatma Gandhi

The way you communicate does matter. 

References:

Biron, B. (2021, October 22). Victim mentality: Definition, signs, Causes & Tips. Talkspace. Retrieved February 26, 2022, from https://www.talkspace.com/blog/deal-with-victim-mentality/ 

Brahm, E. (2004, September). Scapegoating. Beyond Intractability. Retrieved February 26, 2022, from https://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/scapegoating 

Carrico, B. (2021, July 19). What is emotional invalidation? Psych Central. Retrieved February 26, 2022, from https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience#what-is-it 

Current understandings of microaggressions: Impacts on individuals and Society. Association for Psychological Science - APS. (2021, September 13). Retrieved February 26, 2022, from https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/2021-sept-microaggressions.html#:~:text=“Secondary%20microaggressions%2C%20microaggressions%20that%20occur,lead%20author%20on%20the%20paper. 

Hoffman, I. (2021, January 19). Snowflake. Dictionary.com. Retrieved February 26, 2022, from https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/snowflake/#:~:text=Snowflake%2C%20here%2C%20is%20a%20political,used%20for%20millennials%20and%20liberals. 

Johnson, V. E., Nadal, K. L., Sissoko, D. R., & King, R. (2021). “it’s Not in your head”: Gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 16(5), 1024–1036. https://doi.org/10.1177/17456916211011963 

Psychological abuse. Safelives. (n.d.). Retrieved February 26, 2022, from https://safelives.org.uk/psychological-abuse