“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
-Brene Brown
I am an achiever. When I set a goal, I am determined to achieve it. Though this has helped me become the person I am today and helped me live my best life, I have realized this compulsion to achieve is not without consequences. This need to achieve has created anxiety about my personal value and self-worth. There is a piece of me that believes that I have become a high achiever at such a young age to prove my worth and value to others in my life and ultimately prove that I am not what happened to me.
The journey of proving others wrong began at a young age. It started with proving I would live and thrive, even though my doctors doubted and all statistics said otherwise after surviving burns to 91% of my body at the age of two.
That was when the journey to prove myself began. It continued as I had to;
Prove that I would walk again
Prove that I would talk again
Prove that I would see again
Prove that I am not what happened to me
As I grew up, this need to prove myself continued:
Prove that I was just like other kids, that I was ‘normal,’ even though I looked and always felt different
Prove that I would again walk (again) after yet another surgery
Prove that I could use my arm after surgery threaten I wouldn’t be able to
Prove that I can do the simple things that came easily to other kids
Prove that I wasn’t all the hurtful things people told me - that I wasn’t an alien, bearded dragon, snake, monster or the limits others tried to set on me
Prove that I could use my hands and fingers to squeeze the doctor's hand tight. I could use my hands and play the piano (and later type) like every other kid
Prove that I could do well on this test even though I just had another surgery just a few days before
Prove that I was a good kid because the last thing I wanted was for something bad to happen to me - again
Time went on and as a teen I continued to push the envelope - I needed to:
Prove that I am good enough to drive (which starting off I was not a very good driver!)
Prove that I am different person than my twin and I have a voice (in our competition on who could share a story first)
Prove that I was a competent horsewoman, enough to earn awards and ribbons
But this need to prove began to have a downside. I recall hanging up my horse show ribbons on my wall only to pull them down in anger and rage months later - why? Because I didn’t feel like I deserved them or was worthy of them! And I most certainly did with how much work, energy and effort I put into them.
This need to prove myself continued. I was still not ‘enough.’ In college;
Prove that I could endure a toxic roommate and it was not just ‘me’ just getting annoyed too easily
Prove that coach wrong that didn’t believe I could succeed training a young 2 year old filly
Prove that I needed certain medical care to insurance and the doctors
Prove that I could get good grades, that my burns and surgeries I was enduring weren’t going to hold me back or ‘affect’ me (and I didn’t let the world see that I was going through them or that they did)
Prove that I could graduate early when I never thought I would (along with so many other people)
As a child I put so much focus on proving that I wasn’t my burn injury, that I wasn’t accepting this part of myself. I had to prove myself, my worth and my abilities. That I was and am enough! In college, I became aware that I would never reach a point in my life where my burn injury would no longer affect me like I thought and dreamed of as a child. That simply ‘proving I wasn’t my burns’ was actually me not accepting an integral part of myself. That my burn injury doesn’t define me, but it still affects me and the person I have become, and denying this was me denying myself and my story. I started to come to peace and accept that my trauma can affect me and not be all that I am.
But this need to prove myself in other areas continued, after college when I got my first job;
Prove that I could and that I had the right to set boundaries when I was being pulled in every direction in a job that had none
Prove that I could do my job well when I was under constant criticism
Prove that I was a good teacher, mentor and coach after so much training
I began to realize just how unhealthy all of this was in my life and learn that I have a lot to offer this world, and that I didn’t need to prove that I had needs, wants, abilities and desires for them to be respected and listened to. This need to prove my worth and value transitioned from no longer feeling like I had to do it to prove my worth but rather achieving things because I wanted to. I went on the journey of personal development in grad school where I no longer had to prove my worth for the life I desired - my right to take care of myself, set work-life boundaries, earn well, the needs I need to thrive etc. I wanted to now get educated now not to prove my worth but to now have a lifestyle that would foster the worth and value I knew I had.
But this need to prove myself came up again. After experiencing sexual assault, I didn’t even recognize that is what I experienced until over a year later. I told myself ‘I deserved it for getting myself in that situation.’ I genuinely thought I deserved it and therefore I was okay with it! Months later after realizing how wrong it truly was and developing PTSD as a result of it I opened up about the truth of what happened. As memories haunted me, some people did not believe me, reinforcing this idea in my mind that it was ‘my fault’ and ‘that’s what I get’ and ‘I deserved it’. A part of me began to question my worth again. By this point I have worked so hard for my independence, my right to safety and stability, to accept my scars and story and even love them and myself, but now I felt like I was reduced to nothing but the trauma I had endured as I felt that people made me ‘prove’ myself again. And because of this I felt a sense of unease hatred toward myself as the trauma haunted me.
I know now that trauma takes our worth and voice away from us. Following this I felt the need to prove myself - again - just like all those other times people took my worth and voice away as a result of my life experiences. I began to question my worth in interpersonal relationships deep in my subconscious, ‘They must not want me because of my scars and my trauma, I can prove that I am worthy of love - like I had to prove my worth so many other times in my life.’ ‘There must be something wrong with me that I can fix and prove, right?’ I realized then how apart of me believed I also had to prove that I am worthy of love. As isn’t that what I had done that so much throughout my life, prove my worth to those around me. Even though I knew deep down that wasn’t right or how it worked.
I began to wonder - at what point was and am I enough just for who I am as a person? Without the achievements and without needing to prove my abilities and rights to others. I have learned there will always be those that don't see our value and inherent worth. Yet it is important to recognize that you will never be enough for them, if they are never enough for you. It is up to us to surround ourselves with those that believe in us, do not set limits on us. People that see our worth and value and do not make us feel like we need to prove it. These are the people that bring out the best in us not because we need to prove anything but because they love and believe in us for who we are as we are. These are our people. These are the people who will help us thrive.
You are enough just the way you are. You are perfect just the way you are. You are worthy of peace. You are worthy of love, worthy of a wonderful life. Worthy of a life of thrivership. Worthy to achieve and be all the things that you want to be, not because you need to prove yourself, but because you can and want to. Be gentle and kind with yourself, be in charge of your own life, trust yourself and surround yourself with people who see your value and worth.