Goodbyes can come in so many different ways but I am choosing to believe that with every ‘goodbye’ comes healing, growth, redirection, realignment and new ‘hellos’ waiting to happen.
I feel like I’ve had a lot of goodbyes the last few years and it has felt like I am constantly letting go or grieving of something or someone. It has also made me realize how much abandonment and attachment trauma I have as those wounds kept getting triggered until I addressed them.
I hate unclear unstructured goodbyes. I hate changes in people’s patterns. I hate ghosting. I hate ‘maybes.’ I hate too much uncertainty without structure. I hate when words and actions don’t align. I hate future faking. I hate it when people act like they care and support you but then hurt you or aren’t there the rare chance you need someone and you don’t truly feel supported and loved. It confuses me because that is where the trauma lies and has been caused in my life and it brings it back. I like clear honesty and a direct clear start and end. It is less confusing and doesn’t mess with my head. But unfortunately not everyone communicates this way, and I have had to learn to accept that and adjust my boundaries and life accordingly.
Abandonment and attachment to others. A wound that runs so deep and is at the center of complex trauma. It has caused me to feel like there is a hole in my heart that the trauma caused me and anytime I let someone close to me or my heart they take a knife and reopen it wider than it was before leaving me on my own to stitch it back up - again.
“You are just going to hurt me. You don’t support me, quit lying. You don’t love me, and if you do you are just going to hurt me like the fire did and leave.” A narrative that has often played in my head, thanks trauma.
In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly she states “betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship…. when the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unloveable (pp.51-52). I can recognize the effect of betrayal of disengagement has had on me in my life and how this has triggered my attachment wound.
In the past I have found myself holding on too long and chasing people hoping that they would stay in my life. Holding onto someone that I couldn’t meet their needs, even though I wanted to support them and help them. Holding on to someone who is hurting me. Holding onto someone who isn’t ‘hearing’ me. Holding onto someone who isn’t trying or making an effort. Holding onto someone who is only thinking of themselves.
But in doing so I would feel worst. I have learned a valuable lesson in letting go, letting people leave and letting people loose access to me and stepping into my individual value and worth and not letting the people in my life influence it.
Some people leave. Some stay. Some are only meant to be in your life for a season, some for life. There is power in letting it go and letting them go.
I have learned that saying ‘goodbye’ and not fighting for people to stay allows you to step into your self-worth and make room for new people and opportunities in your life.
Ultimately I have learned with every goodbye there is a blessing and most often - That Goodbye Saved You:
️It saved you from being around people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
️It saved you from screaming to try and have your voice heard, that was never going to be heard.
️It saved you from hurt and more trauma.
️It saved for from lies and broken promises; no responses or maybes.
️It saved you from giving more than you have and sacrificing your boundaries and destroying yourself in the process.
️It saved you from people who don’t communicate effectively with you.
️It saved you from not being loved the way you deserve or in a way you can understand.
With every goodbye it has created room for the right people, things and opportunities that are meant to stay in ones life. And I know sometimes it can hurt but more often than not That Goodbye Saved You.
References:
Brown, B. (2015). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, Love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Gotham Books.