“As Traumatized children we always dreamed that someone could come and save us. We never dreamed that is would, in fact, be ourselves as adults.”
-Alice Little
During my trauma healing journey I have written some letters to little me.
Here is one of those letters:
“Dear Little Michelle,
You are going to make it. That stubbornness and drive is the perseverance that will set you apart. You are going to not just survive but thrive, even though all odds say you won’t. I know none of this makes sense now, and that is okay, just keep fighting.
I know you are in so much pain, and you don’t understand why everyone is hurting you but you are safe now. You are so loved. You are supported. You are going to be so proud of the person you have fought so hard to become.
I know you don’t understand why your body is being cut and manipulated, casted, splinted and pinned in all sorts of positions…I know it hurts and causes you to detach and dissociate from yourself, but it will save your life and give you some really badass scars. And you will learn how to be able to be grounded and present in your body again.
I know you don’t understand why your body doesn’t work like most peoples and you require so many surgeries to get it to do the things most are able to do without. But someday you will be glad you put in all the work to gain functionality of your body, even though it caused you so much pain. You will even go on to be a successful equestrian and run your dog in agility! So cool - right!
I know you don’t understand why it is hard to remember things now, someday you will know it isn’t your lack of intelligence but rather your brains way of protecting you. You are so smart and will even go on to get two masters degrees (I know right, who would’ve thought?), but with that better memory… you will start to remember everything that has happened to you and it will hurt like hell, but it will eventually lead you to peace and me talking to you here.
I know you don’t understand why you have to work twice as hard as everyone else to achieve ‘normal’ things, but someday this will be the reason you achieve so much, even after you no longer have to keep working so hard.
I know you don’t understand why the other kids exclude you, call you ‘monster’ etc., this will teach you to always be kind and how to help others who have also been through hardships in their life.
I am so proud of you for doing what you needed to to survive. You overcame. You fought and made it through something most don’t. Those things you are doing to survive - they are going to save your life, and I am so proud of you for finding ways to help you cope with unbearable pain… but some of those things you will have to unlearn to thrive. It is okay, you are much stronger, older and wiser and can advocate for yourself now to get the support you need. Your strong drive will continue to push you forward.
You are going to take all of these bad things that have happened to you and help others overcome their life struggles, help them to never feel as alone as you have felt. You are going to go on to do amazing things. And you are going to go on to live a fulfilling life.
You got this.
Keep getting up.
You are going to make it through.
Love -
Michelle Lauren”