I never got an apology from those who have traumatized me. And I know I never will. If you asked me if I have forgiven them, I’d say you can’t forgive something you were too young to even comprehend what it meant. So, no I haven’t forgiven them, and I never will, rather I have become indifferent and detached about them and learned to focus on myself.
But this has gotten me thinking about accountability and apologizing a lot lately. On how empty an apology can feel when it isn’t followed up with action, and how as a survivor I feel I am the first to own up to my mistakes, apologies and adapt – because my survival has depended on it, but those who have harmed me haven’t done the same.
In fact, I have found I have the sure sign of trauma that I have often fallen into – over apologizing.
Apologizing for being different.
Apologizing for having needs.
Apologizing for needing accommodations.
Apologizing for needing support and people.
Apologizing for having pain.
Apologizing for having a voice.
Apologizing for having trauma symptoms.
Apologizing for how my trauma has affected those around me.
And everything in my soul meant those apologies. Hell – I was just apologizing for just being me.
Which in hindsight is just sad considering those who have hurt me the most have either given me empty apologies or none throughout my life.
I’ve owned my pain, learned to be a survivor and have spent a large part of my life healing from it – when I was younger physically, and as I have gotten older emotionally and mentally. But it saddens me that I am the one that has done all the apologizing when I was a child and a victim. When it should have been the other way around.
When I have been held to what has often felt like an impossible standard and the feeling like I must always be strong all the time. When I have spent so much of my life seeking to understand and never letting others feel as unconsidered and low I have felt at times in my life. But those that have hurt me weren’t and aren’t held to this standard.
There is this quote by Jennette McCurdy, "if the truth ends a relationship, it is probably a relationship that needed to end.”
I’ve never been one to be able to tell a lie. I couldn’t if my life depended on it. I think this is how I am wired but also the fact that in my world a lie meant so much more – it meant avoiding the pain they caused me.
I am allowed to name my truth, my experiences and how they have affected me. And those who have harmed me don’t get a say in how I heal, how I move on, how I voice my pain, and if me being real, honest about the harm done to me challenges you – that is on you, not on me. I will not apologize for the ways I have healed the wounds others have caused me.
I’m honest cause I have nothing to hide and be ashamed of. If I genuinely do something wrong, I will own up to it and address it. But I’m done apologizing for being for being me, for stating my story, for naming my truth, for having pain and trauma, for having a voice, for having boundaries, for needing support, for the ways I have healed myself, for the passion and love I bring to everything I do, for being human. Because that, my friend, is nothing to apologize for.