“Those things that kept you safe as a kid are going to destroy your adulthood. They don’t work anymore.”
- Dr. John Delony
As I reflect on the last couple of years, I have learned that the things I learned and developed as a child that helped me thrive, succeed, and beat the odds when I was young would be the very same things that would try to destroy me as an adult.
These things included: repression, not listening to my emotions or body, people pleasing, hiding my pain, putting others' emotions before my own, feeling the need to ‘prove’ myself through achievements, lack of boundaries, and constantly pushing myself past my limits.
This life was not sustainable and just about killed me.
When my trauma resurfaced at the start of the pandemic, I reached a point where it felt like it was never going to end, that the pain my body and mind had been holding onto for so long would never let go of the grasp it had on me.
As I reflect on this day – 3 years ago - was one of the hardest days and nights of my life.
Where I recognized that the help and support that I had wasn’t enough, that my post-traumatic stress and trauma symptoms were taking over my life and I couldn’t keep living like this, and if I tried to keep going on how I was I wasn’t going to make it a few days, let alone a few months or years.
In this moment, I learned the true nature of those around me, who I thought I could trust but couldn’t, who cared about me, who heard me, and who didn’t. I did the hardest thing I have ever done and brought myself to the place that has caused my trauma to get more help and support – the hospital. Although I didn’t stay long as it was more re-triggering and traumatizing due to the very nature of my trauma it did help me get more support. A few weeks later is when Eli embarked on his journey as my service dog to help me get my life back.
So much of my late 20s and the last couple of years (even before this point) has been thanking the things that helped me get to where I am but recognize that the things I have done in the past will no longer work for me. That the things that once saved me, would be my downfall if I didn’t make changes and listen and put myself first.
This means – putting my health (physical, mental, and emotional) first, always.
This means – always being authentic, even if it means being disliked.
This means – standing firm on my boundaries and allowing them to adapt as I need them to.
This means – honoring my needs and emotions.
This means – walking away rather than ‘powering through.’
This means – letting go even when I want to hang on.
This means – recognizing who is capable of hearing my truth and who isn’t.
This means – listening to my gut and if something feels off, honoring that.
This means – loving myself before seeking it from others.
This means – surrounding myself with people who make me feel seen, heard, respected, safe, and understood.
This means – choosing being good and kind rather than being nice.
If you would’ve asked me 3 years ago, I didn’t think I was going to live another day, but here I am.
The truth is – I never wanted to die. I just didn’t know how to keep living with so much pain.
So here is to choosing life, to keep going, to keep fighting, and fighting damn hard for the life I have now. To prioritizing my peace and wellbeing above everything else.