To me touch and physical vulnerability has mostly always equated pain and discomfort. As a burn survivor burned over 91% of my body at the age of two I have had numerous surgeries and medical procedures (over 80) throughout my life (as when I grew my skin did not grow with me requiring more surgeries). Because of this my naked body has been seen by more people more times then I could ever count as my body has been photographed (to document healing progress) and then poked, prodded, manipulated, cut, lasered, patched together and reformed as they moved skin from one spot of my body to another time and time again ultimately leaving me with the scars you see today. As a child there is no way I could grasp how this would affect me throughout my life. Now I’ve realized just how much this has changed my perception of touch, physical vulnerability, consent to my body and how that relates to sexuality.
My burn injury and the physical touch and vulnerability that has come with it has never felt like nor has it ever been a choice to me - it was always just been something I had to just endure because what other choice did I have…? I abided - because I had to - even though I can certainly say I definitely didn’t want to. There was no consent to my body, what happened to me and the pain others inflicted on me during these times.
Due to the extent of my scars and the pain that has come with it I can recall as a teenage and young adult feeling like I lost a piece of myself that others around had. The scars on my body caused disfigurement on my breasts, stomach, chest and inner thighs which I ultimately had multiple surgeries and procedures on so that I could feel comfortable and a sense of normalcy in my own body. I could barely talk about it, I hid it for years (even during the procedures) in fear of judgement, unwanted questions, feeling ashamed by it and I definitely had a complete fear of intimacy. As Kolk states in his book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, “Trauma, whether it is the result of something done to you or something you yourself have done, almost always makes it difficult to engage in intimate relationships. After you have experienced something so unspeakable, how can you learn to trust yourself or anyone else again? Or, controversially, how can you surrender to an intimate relationship after you have been brutally violated?” (2015, p.13).
The stereotypes around how women’s bodies are suppose to look and what is desirable, religion and the ideology of what relationships and sexuality is ‘supposed’ to look like, and having been raised to be independent and not trust men affected me. These were all unhealthy views that the trauma I had endured, the world and the people around me have tried to implement on me making it harder to accept, love this part of myself and trust and connect with others.
Yet, in time I have learned how to trust myself, people, have faith and trust my path and journey in the world.
For the longest time I thought I feared someone not accepting me for my scars, and experiences, but I realized that didn’t bother me, rather it was other peoples voices trying to get into my head. What I really feared was something so much worse. This fear came true when I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted. Sexual assault is defined as any form of sexual contact that you never gave permission to. Yet, because of my experience, what the world has put onto me and my medical trauma and how that has effected my body, I didn’t think anything of it! Now I know my biggest fear was not someone not accepting me, but it was someone causing the same pain that my burn injury has caused me. The deep embedded feelings of being - unsafe in my own body, hurt, discomfort, not cared for, fear and anxiety of what and who will hurt me next, unloved and judged. Which I felt all of these in that moment and following the sexual assault.
Yet, immediately after I told myself I was ‘asking for it’ and ‘it was my fault’ for putting myself in a ‘vulnerable’ situation, therefore it was okay and I was okay with it. I told myself I was ‘learning to accept my scars and sexuality’ using it as a crutch to rationalize and justify what had happened because I didn’t want to believe it was true. I did what I learned how to do well and had to during so many other times my body had been violated - I blocked the bad parts out of my mind. I told myself if I could talk about it like it was okay, then I was and it was - even though I was defiantly not okay with it and it made me anxious, caused a lot of confusion and emotional turmoil.
In time, I experienced a physical relationship with someone who respected my boundaries and valued my comfort and was in-tune with how I was feeling. But then following it flashbacks came - the visuals - the feelings - the anxiety - the fear - the sensations - the confusion - my voice being ignored - nightmares - and it spiraled as my body began to remember other times it felt this violated in so many other different ways. It wasn’t until this moment I realized I was never taught about consent to my body truly looked like, because I had experienced so much violation throughout my life. I know now, that these medical procedures are and were assault to the body and my body definitely connected them together.
In addition, I was raised and taught to believe through our society that this was ‘normal’ behavior for men, therefore it was and is okay. I was told to believe in victim blaming when it came to this behavior! “Victim-blaming is the attitude which suggests that the victim rather than the perpetrator bears responsibility for the assault” (How to Avoid Victim Blaming). Victim blaming looks like; it is your fault, you lead them on, what were you wearing?, you were drinking, you knew better than to trust them, are you sure thats what happened?, you were asking for it. And I experienced this first hand with several people close to me when I finally opened up about the truth of what happened.
You can’t be a survivor if someone treats you like a victim and blames you. Being a victim is not your fault, no matter what! In order to be a survivor you had been a victim at one point in your life! We need to eliminate this victim blaming culture and instead create a culture of education and awareness of consent, what boundaries are and how to respect them, listening to others stories without judgement and not minimize their trauma or experiences. This is how we support others as survivors and give survivors a voice and be able to create change and healing in our world.
Touch, physicality, intimacy and vulnerability aren’t meant to be anxiety provoking, feel judgemental, painful, unsafe or uncomfortable just like it has through my medical procedures - it is not supposed to be traumatic!
It is supposed to feel safe, loving, accepting, comfortable and enjoyable.
I’m a survivor not a victim and there is no excuse (not one) for sexual assault. And I know way too many friends and peers that have experienced this in different ways than me. It is not my or your fault if you too have experienced it. No means no. Silence is not a yes. No does not mean ‘convince me’. Respect others boundaries. Consent is everything. You are worthy of something so much better. You are enough. And you are not alone.
References:
How to Avoid Victim Blaming. (n.d.). Retrieved December 18, 2020, from https://orgs.law.harvard.edu/halt/how-to-avoid-victim-blaming/
Kolk, B. C. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York, New York: Penguin Books.