Dating. It’s probably one of the most hateful things in the world. Why? Well the end goal is to get married, right? But the bigger question to be answered is, who is the right person for you?
In general, dating is a hassle regardless of who you are and what you look like. You have to first introduce yourself, get to know each other, share personal things; all in order to connect with someone and develop a deep bond and relationship with them. And you have to do this while knowing that if it doesn’t work, you may get your heart broken, then you have to do it all over again. Not only that but we also live in a world that tries to tell us what we should (or shouldn’t) do and what we should look like to attract others. To add a new layer of complexity, I am a burn survivor with scars on 91% of my body. Through the years and my experiences I have learned the importance of loving yourself and the scars while dating.
“Did you tell him what happened and about your scars?” My sister asked me after my first date ever.
“I have to tell him? I don’t want to? Why does it matter?” I responded by getting defensive.
I hated that I felt like I had to share this with him and I didn’t see a reason why I had to tell him. Other people don’t have to share stories from their past right away when meeting, right?
Years later these questions from others around me continued:
“What does he think of your scars?”
“Does he know about the scars on your chest/breasts?”
“Did you tell him what happened?”
These questions have always bothered me and still make me cringe. If I allow these questions to get into my head they can actually make me start to define my ability to be loved and wanted all based on someone's opinions of my scars! These very questions take away what I think of myself and give the power of who I am to someone else.
Now that I am an adult I have learned to value myself and not let others dictate or sway my thoughts. I have learned to re-frame the conversation with myself to be strong and show self-love. The questions shouldn’t be asked like this. This takes away ‘my power,’ it makes me a victim to my scars rather than a survivor and poses the question and thought that someone won’t want me because of my scars. When the opinion of someone I barely know shouldn’t and doesn’t matter. What matters is what I think of myself and what I allow in my life.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the years is we choose the narrative of our life. Everyone has a choice about how little or how much they choose to tell someone and at what point they chose to share. I am not obligated just because I have visible scars to tell anyone about all my history and past in order for them to ‘like’ and ‘accept’ me. I chose my narrative. Not the questioner. I get to choose how much I am comfortable sharing and in what tone I share my story with. I get to choose how vulnerable I want to be with them. Personally, I will share the basics of my burn injury with people pretty much immediately but then I always redirect the conversation.
It sounds like this; “I was burned in a house fire at 2 years old, burned 91% of my body. The rest you will have to get to know me to find out.”
Any other questions are reserved for if they come up naturally in conversation or for a later date. Why do I do this? It has nothing to do with that I hate talking about my scars or that I don’t want to talk about it, it is because there is so much more to me than my burn injury and I want someone to get to know me for me and see all that I am - not just see me for my scars.
Here are the questions I have learned to ask myself instead:
“Did I have fun?” “What commonalities and shared interests do we have?”
“How does he make me feel? Do I feel accepted, beautiful and not judged for who I am with him?”
“Did I feel confident and comfortable with them? Or did I feel awkward and uncomfortable?”
“What was the conversations about?”
“Was I able to just be myself with them?”
“Do I feel safe physically, emotionally, mentally and does he respect me and my boundaries?”
“Is this what I need/want in my life right now?”
“Do their words and actions align?”
“Does he make me feel wanted and loved?”
Reframe the question to reflect your self-worth and self-love. What matters is not what they think of your physical appearance or your past. What matters is how they make you feel about yourself and how they fit into your life and values.
It can be hard at times to tune out the voices the world tries to tell us. I invite you as the reader, scars or not, to change your self-talk and narrative by picking up a journal and asking these questions to yourself. Even though I have scars and my experiences from them will greatly impact a relationship, they do not control or dictate it as that is not all that I am. Self-love is an art. Self-love takes practice. Dating takes practice. It is in our human nature to crave connection with others. While practicing self-love acts we can connect with others for uplifting and positive reasons rather than from insecurity, loneliness or from seeking validation. When you give love to yourself, you learn what you need and want in your life. When you know this you will be able to recognize what you need and want quicker when you see it and attract that same energy into your life.
Control your narrative. Reframe the questions you ask yourself. And always remember you’re enough, you’re loved, your scars are beautiful, your flaws are beautiful, you’re amazing and anyone that can’t see the value you have has no position in your life.
With love,
Michelle